My Teenager is Failing Zoom
A Day in the Life
It’s January 25, 2010, 7:00am. High-schooler Sam wakes up to get ready for school. Both of her parents are getting ready for work, and she hears the habitual, “Eat something before you go,” which she of course ignores. After completing her morning ritual (gotta look good for your crush in 3rd period!), she goes out the door to the bus stop. When she arrives at school, she, like the other 2,000 kids in her high school, go to 1st period. She likes French class, and does well. Afterwards they all go to 2nd and 3rd period, math and physics, ugh. So hard! She is barely maintaining a C with the help of her friend Derek, whom she sits next to. At lunch, she and her friends hang out and plot a big group movie “date” until the bell rings and a passing dean calls, “Get to class, people!” After school she goes to her Environmental Club and discusses climate change with like-minded kids. Her mom picks her up at the end of the day, and she goes home to do homework, eat dinner, go to bed, and start again in the morning. School is hard, but doable, she makes A’s, B’s and a few C’s on each report card.
It’s January 25, 2021. High-schooler Sam is still asleep at 7am; her first class doesn’t start until 8. Her parents tell her to get up, but she’s tired from staying up late the the night before. Before they leave, her parents make sure her light is on and that she is awake. They yell, “Make sure to eat something today!” and go to work. Sam knows she has her favorite class, French, first. She sits up in bed and drags her computer over. Going on Zoom, she sees that she looks like, well, someone who hasn’t gotten out of bed yet, and quickly turns off her camera. Class starts. There is a lot of ambient noise, so the teacher quickly asks everyone to “Mute yourselves!” Now Sam is in her favorite class, unable to be seen or heard, only a blank, silent screen to Mr. Gerrond. He is attentive, and asks Sam to turn on her camera. Sam, remembering what she looks like this morning, tells him that the internet isn’t strong enough; if she turns on the camera, her Zoom won’t work. Mr. Gerrond has 12 kids on zoom and 15 in person; he doesn’t have time discuss it, and the camera stays off. Sam’s attention, not part of any academic interaction, quickly wanders away. Finally, Mr. G. assigns work, just as he would at school. Instead of wandering through the desks, checking on the kids’ abilities and challenges, he is “available if they have a question.” Some kids will ask, but most won’t. Teenagers are infamous for not wanting to ask for help. Teachers have to see the need to meet it, and if someone’s camera is off; they can’t.
After French, Sam has math and science, ugh. She remembers that she didn’t do either homework assignment over the weekend, and slips down further in the bed. She doesn’t want to get called out on it, and it’s easier to go back to sleep and try to forget about it. She wakes up at lunch, and eats some chips. She makes a halfhearted effort to go to an afternoon class, but it’s mostly YouTube videos the teacher has collected in an effort to interest the kids, and Sam figures she can “watch them later.” Without any noticeable difference in her life, school is over. Sam is hungry and tired and irritable after a day with almost no human interaction. She will find ways to distract herself online until she falls asleep from exhaustion in the early morning, to wake up the next day and start again.
What we are asking children to do with online school, (and yes, teenagers are still children), is not easy. It’s not the fault of the children, the parents, or the teachers. From the vantage point of someone who works with all three groups on a daily basis, everyone is doing what they can. From a wholly developmental perspective, it is not appropriate to expect the average teenager to voluntarily go to Zoom school every day. That is not how the teenage brain works.
But My Neighbor’s Kid is Fine
There are two types of children who seem to be able to manage online school fairly easily:
1 - Children who find it easy to follow rules and generally like pleasing people. These are children without learning disabilities, no attentional difficulties, who generally are easygoing and don’t want to get in trouble. It is still hard for them to manage “zooming” all day. Zoom is exhausting and unnatural as human interaction. It takes a lot of getting used to, but some kids are able to make it work.
2 - Kids whose parents have the time and financial opportunity to help their children manage Zoom school. They ensure that their children have a working computer, high-speed wifi, maintain communication with the teachers, and help their children manage “schoolwork” and “homework,” (but it’s really all “homework.”) They may have a fluid work schedule or not have an outside job, so they have time and ability to do what normally the environment of school does for their child: manage the child’s time. Without a pandemic, teenagers are not asked to manage very much of their time; school does it all for them. They go from class to class with their friends, take out a piece of paper when told to do so, have to face the teacher when homework isn’t done. Even so, many kids struggle with time and responsibility management in high school.
For children who are more distractible or find academics difficult or boring, being expected to perform and attend school on the computer every day voluntarily, is unreasonable. We can yell at them, storm around the house, complain online, blame teachers or the internet, but the fact is that we are asking them to do something that is developmentally, wildly inappropriate. Our anger and frustration does not make it more likely that they will comply. However, there are ways of helping that will make success far more likely.
The Heavy Load
Parents have this heavy load of managing their societal stress, politics, money, their jobs, families, AND the struggles of their children…it’s a lot!
Teachers have this heavy load of managing their own home and family lives, societal stress, politics, money, and somehow managing to teach information in hybrid, or zoom-only, or in-person classes where kids are constantly missing school due to quarantine…it’s a lot!
Teenagers have this heavy load of managing their emotions, puberty hormones, lack of interaction at an age when that is normally their biggest comfort and influence, school being presented in an entirely new way, their natural ability to soak up their parents’ and teachers’ stresses, and homework…it’s a lot!
What We Can Do
So what is the answer? Every family has to find the response that best suits their resources and talents. The foundation of your answer, however, has to come from accepting that this year of school may be quite challenging. Your child may learn less this year than usual, underperform compared to other years. Their grades may not be as high; they may need more intercessions from their parents. Teenagers are usually told where to go, what to do, and when to do it, for most of their day.
If you have the time, this is the year to think creatively; to parent differently. Your child, as absurd as this may feel for someone who will soon be allowed to vote, may need you to help them organize their weekly assignments. They may need you to make sure they are on Zoom and that they get up in time to not be embarrassed of how they look. You may have to enforce that they get up and out of bed, just as they would for school. You may have to argue and be “the bad guy,” because there is no one else to do it. You may have to step out of your comfort zone as a parent and find resources to help your child learn.
Teacher Recommendations for Online Schooling
1 - Make sure your child gets up in the morning, puts on clothes, brushes their teeth, etc., to “feel like a person.” They need to be ready for social interaction by the time school starts.
2 - If you can’t find it, they can’t find it. You must find out how the child is supposed to see and turn in homework assignments. Make a list of assignments and check to see that they are turned in. In the normal course of events, the teacher would do this. Things are not normal; we are in a pandemic. You have to help them do it, until it becomes natural for them to do it themselves. These are new skills for all of us! You are probably more comfortable asking the teacher for help or mentioning that the work is hard to find.
3 - Make sure your child eats and sleeps. This is where you may have to be “the bad guy.” Even if they don’t feel like it, without food and sleep, your child will not function. If that means you have to turn off the internet at night or take away a phone, that is your job as the parent. It’s hard enough for US to do this for OURSELVES, much less ask it of someone whose brain has not finished developing the ability to reason and predict.
4 - Stay on task! Don’t stop doing the above things when your child has reached stability. You may be able to ease up once things have settled down, but keep a hand on it. Put Canvas or Skyward, or whatever your child’s school uses, on your homepage. Make it easy for yourself to check on progress. It may (will) irritate your kids, but they will thank you someday…
5 - Offer your help. We are all in this difficult, challenging situation. Ask your child if they’d like you to sit with them while they take a tough quiz. Allow them to dictate an assignment or two to you to make it less overwhelming. (Don’t do it for them. Just type what they say. Their typing may still be laborious and slow.) Watch their YouTube videos with them. If they don’t want you to, don’t insist. But make the offer. Moments of connectedness will help both of your days be better.
Does Tutoring Help?
Maybe. If they struggle to learn or are taking a class that is particularly difficult, they may need some one-on-one teaching to learn, for example, statistics, physics, or advanced English. Some topics are very hard to learn over zoom or without a teacher who is able to observe their work in realtime.
If their problem is time management, and you don’t have time to help, you would be better off getting a “babysitter,” or a daily homework helper, than a tutor. Your child needs a little help 4-5 days a week to stay on target in school. Less than that leaves too many holes to fall through.
Isn’t This Too Much? They’re Not Babies!
You may worry about enabling your child’s dependence or lack of responsibility. Please keep these things in mind:
At school, all of these things would be accomplished by peers, environment, and teachers - still not by your child on his/her own
The brain doesn’t finish physically maturing until the mid- to late 20s. The frontal lobe is one of the last brain regions to mature. This area is responsible for skills like planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses. This is not an opinion. It is a developmental fact.
Your child will probably get tired of all of the help and take on more themselves, once you help them how to manage it.
Children who are doing poorly in school are at higher risk for addiction, dropping out, low self-esteem, and more. It is worth the time to solve this problem with them.
Good luck - this won’t last forever. Just think how glad they’ll be to “GO TO SCHOOL” when everyone can!
-Amy Richter